Skip to main content

tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  April 11, 2013 11:30pm-12:00am PDT

11:30 pm
join us all next week at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> jay-z released a rap today. i'll just quote "i turned han vanya into atlanta, boy from the
11:31 pm
hood i got white house clearance. obama said quote chill you gonna get me impeached. you don't captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) [eagle caw] [cheers and applause]
11:32 pm
>> stephen: hey, welcome to the report, everybody. thank you for joining us. ladies and gentlemen -- [cheers and applause] -- thank you. [crowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] thank you. in here, out there, i thank you for support on a nightly basis because you know, ladies and gentlemen, if you watch this show, you know -- [cheers and applause] -- you know that i get up here every night and i always say how i feel. please -- i'm always saying how i feel. some people may not agree but i gots to do what i do. tonight i'm going to go out on a limb and say i'm against a giant asteroid destroying the earth. i don't care fit loses me sponsors. these are bad news. a chunk of one attacked russia but luckily putin punched it out
11:33 pm
of the sky. good news, nation. this week nasa unveiled an exciting new plan to fight our space enemies. >> nasa plans to lasso an asteroid. >> nasa wants to lasso an after the troid. >> and park it next to the moon. >> stephen: yes, a nasa lasso because the most advanced technology they can afford with their budget is rope. [ laughter ] long time observers know that nasa first began working on this program in 1946. >> you want the moon? just say the world and i'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. >> hey that's a pretty idea. >> stephen: it is a good idea. the program lost funding when this guy embezzled it from the
11:34 pm
savings and loans. happy new year to you in jail! florida senator and former astronaut bill nelson said this would help nasa have the capability to nudge away a after asteroid away from earth. if nudging doesn't work they could develop coaching technology. i love a plan to drag an asteroid into earth's atmosphere because nothing em bodies the spirit of american laziness like bringing space to us. [cheers and applause] because this -- this, ladies and gentlemen, is the land of convenience. you can't expect us to travel millions of miles to. dprk -- to extract media sediment, i mean "the bachelor" is on.
11:35 pm
congratulations nasa for space-ploation. i dream of a day when one small step for man is literally one step because we parked the moon outside the kennedy stais center. folks, we've lost our way as a nation. the majority of americans now support amnesty for illegal immigrants and marriage for the gays and now we've lost another moral battle. >> a pupil says most americans think marijuana should be legal. this the is first time pew has has had this result. >> times are changing, something is blowing in the wind. they say. >> stephen: everything is so
11:36 pm
funny when you're high. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] it's bad enough that the medical marijuana in 18 states and recreational pot is now legal in both colorado and washington and those two states are planning to turn idaho into a bong. la laugh even worse, -- [laughter] now, even worse, people are comparing this pot-tastrope. >> a majority of in favor of legalizing mayor juan why and same-sex marriage. >> it's a generational shift. the evolution of same-sex marriage and same thing with marijuana. >> stephen: i can't help who i am. i was born attracted to watching seven hours of planet earth while eating a sack of croutons.
11:37 pm
next thing you know stoners will demand the civil right to marry their mary jane. you may now smoke the bride. it's not like the war on drugs isn't working. look at the animated chart. the blue line shows rates of addiction since 1970 and the green line shows how much money we spent on the war on drugs. that might look like the war on drugs is a waste but if you are high it looks like a mountain with a stream running out of it. [cheers and applause] and now politics are cozying up to big spleef like prolegallization colorado congressman who said marijuana outperformed me by ten points so it was a great association for
11:38 pm
me when he won. martin the first time marijuana improved performance in anything but swimming. [cheers and applause] sadly, even republican politicians have started buying the drug culture pushers are selling. >> the last two presidents could have been put in jail for their drug use. i think what would have happened. it would have ruined their lives. a lot of poor kids don't get lucky. they don't have good attorneys and they go to jail for these things and it's a mistake. >> stephen: it's their own damn fault. if the kids want to run around breaking laws without consequences they should have gone into banking. [cheers and applause] but nation, there may be some sort of political method to rand paul's reefer madness.
11:39 pm
something like myself could appeal to young people because some of them think it's a mistake to put kids in jail for marijuana use and throw away the key. >> stephen: what about rand paul, he's propot and if you get high enough maybe you'll forget all the reasons you wouldn't vote for him. even though the republican party is desperate for the youth vote. i don't want republican presidential hopefuls like marco rube yes suddenly selling out their values to get in with the cool kids and it might be too late because he has a serious taste of cotton mouth. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] so it looks like the republican party might have to get high to get relevant. good luck getting anyone to say that on team here to say that on tv is reason.com editor and chief nick gill dlrks espie.
11:40 pm
thank you so much for coming here. [cheers and applause] how did this happen? how did we run up the white flag in the war on drugs? nancy reagan loses, cheech and chong win. how did we get here? >> i think what happened is we grew up as a country. enough of us have been around where you can take your worst friend, do you want to deal with him when he is high or drunk? being high isn't so bad -- compared -- i'm saying he not you. but that's part of it. pot has been illegal since the 1930's. >> stephen: because of reefer madness. have you seen the movie? it's a gateway drug. it leads to murder and interracial dating. >> that's right and bad pot smoking. part of it is that people have seen after 70 years every aspect
11:41 pm
of prohibition makes things worse. if drug prohibition worked, the markets around drugs wouldn't be violent. they are more violent than ever. if you have a substance abuse problem you are saying to people you are a criminal and addict. it's hard enough for addicts to get help now. you will all the war on pot does which is the only illegal drug that anybody uses in real numbers. >> stephen: have you heard of meth? we're cooking meth down here right now. meth labs everywhere, right? [cheers and applause] it's everywhere. >> it is everywhere. >> stephen: it's a gateway drug. pot, meth, heroin, gay. it's a gay-way. >> very few people have ever used meth have you ever used meth? >> stephen: i don't have to answer that. >> your show. two tenths of americans have
11:42 pm
used meth. for pot it's 7% or 8%. most people who use pot it's like drinking beer. there's no reason for pot to be treated differently. >> stephen: we were sold medical marijuana with the explicit promise that this was not to legalize it for recreational use. it's a bait and switch, buddy. they got the hook in us, right. >> colorado say good state to look at because legalized recreational pot for everybody. it had medical marijuana for a better part of a decade. pot is good medicine despite the federal government says. they can use it for. >> stephen: we were told it was not recreational mar juan. what the is next prostitution? you are a libertarian.
11:43 pm
how about medical prostitution? you know, a little sexual feeling, baby, sounds good to me! [cheers and applause] >> the fact of the matter is that pot -- pot is used by a lot of people. >> stephen: they are used users. >> that's right. >> it's not a fringe thing. many normal people, many average people use it. they use it responsibly. it makes their life a little bit better. if we take away the prohibition we take away the crime associated with it. >> stephen: if we stop making it illegal what happens to our private prison industry because those prisons are filled with pot users and throws good incarceration jobs. >> this is where rand st. paul ahead of president. he is saying we need sentencing reform. we've filled the state and federal prisons with nonviolent
11:44 pm
drug offenders. we kick out violent people who should be in prison who are an actual threat to society. >> stephen: what heroin is legal and we're all strung out, please come back to apologize. from reason.com nick
11:45 pm
11:46 pm
11:47 pm
[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you very much. folks -- [cheers and applause] you know, folks, if anyone out there watching is thinking of visiting new york city there's so many great things to see, but nothing is more iconic than the costume mascots in times square. i mean you can't be -- you can't beat posing with your kids next to a sweaty person in a filthy plush knockoff costume who then harasses you for money. i'm furious at new york city councilman peter have lone, j-, that intro deuced regulations on costumed characters in new york city. what is next? you are only allowed to publicly
11:48 pm
urinate 16 ounces at a time. we're all angry. the fun stomper here is bringing down the hammer because of a few little incidents. for instance, on sunday a cookie monster was accused of picking up this two and a half-year-old boy telling his mother to take a photo and yelling obscenities and shoving the boy to the ground when she didn't pay fast enough. i don't see a problem as long as that shoving was brought to you by the number 2 for the dollars you owe him, biatch. and vallone will not stop piling on every negative example he could find saying we had a groping mario and antisemitic elmo. okay, hold on a second. are you sure it was anti-semitic
11:49 pm
because sometimes people get overly sensitive and -- >> don't use leapfrog. it's an international jewish toy. >> stephen: he's available for bar mitzvahs. [ laughter ] and now, folks, as disgusting this behavior is, we still don't need big government butting in. times square mascots are self regulating. >> they rape children. we're selling the kids, they rape children. >> do (bleep) something -- >> stephen: thank you. i love it when they quote lines from their movies sox lay off peter vallone, jr., you can't
11:50 pm
ban cartoon characters in new york.
11:51 pm
11:52 pm
11:53 pm
[cheers and applause]
11:54 pm
>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight was the obama administration's regulatory czar. i don't care what he says i'm going to run over there with the scissors. please welcome cass sunstein. [cheers and applause] hey, mr. sunstein thanks for coming on. all right. you have been a bit of my white whale for a few years. i've been ready to bring it hot and hard to you because -- [laughter] -- because in 2009 to 2012 you were administrator of white house office for information and regulatory affairs, unofficially known as obama's regulatory czar. those are two extremely unappealing words. regulatory czar, okay? communist king. now you have a book explaining yourself over here. it's called: "simpler the
11:55 pm
future of government." what was that like to be the regulatory czar you are the guy who strangled the economy in its crib, aren't you? >> the goal wasn't to strangle the economy. >> stephen: that was just a bonus. >> the economy is doing a little bit better now than it was back then and the goal was to make sure that the rules were sensible, that they struck the right balance and you protect people against unsafe food or dirty air or dirty water or national security risks while promoting economic growth. >> stephen: you wash out your mouth, sir. don't you dare use reagan's make why your argument. you want to make things simmer. what is the simplest possible government? an army that builds roads. why do we need anything else?
11:56 pm
>> that is important, roads and an army but it's pretty important to have air that is clean and water that is safe to drink. >> stephen: why don't we let the free market decide whether mercury is bad for me. >> it doesn't entirely work. it could hurt kids neurologic ally and why businesses are trying to reduce pollution levels they haven't succeeded. >> stephen: what is your idea of simplifying things. it znlt seem like it's simpler than it used to be. >> under president obama the paperwork burden on the american people is lower. >> stephen: they are certainly cashing fewer checks. [cheers and applause] is there a government mandated at the timeous shot because -- tetanus shot because you just got nailed, my friend. >> i'll give you some numbers
11:57 pm
which are the highest cost year was 2007 under the previous president. >> stephen: highest cost year? >> for regulation. the number of rules issued in the obama administration smaller. the number of rules issued than the bush administration. the number of rules down, cost of rules down. >> stephen: your rules are a little different. i don't know if it's implemented but it seems like the idea of the book is you want to nudge people like nasa wants to nudge the asteroid. you want to nudge people? >> it's a freedom preserving low cost remedy. if people don't know about the risk they are taking when they are taking a loan out or credit card a nudge would inform them. >> stephen: what is a nudge that exists now. >> some of the really good ones are disclosures that tell people stuff. there was something that the
11:58 pm
united states department of agriculture had called the food pyramid. it was really complicated. there's a guy without shoes walking to the top of pyramid and there are foods bunched together at the bottom. one of which looks like a shoe. that's not a good nudge it's a baffling thing it's a bad nudge. >> stephen: you say the gps is a good nudge. >> we got rid of a food pyramid it's more look a food plate. people can eat steak and chocolate but the plate says make half your plate fruits and vegetables you'll probably be on the right track. it's like a gps. if you want to meander on the street and get lost, you can ignore your gps. >> stephen: right, right and then gps also judges you. if you don't follow the gps' route it goes recalculating.
11:59 pm
>> the food plate doesn't judge you. >> stephen: it doesn't? recalculating your weight. no? cass sunstein thank you so much for joining me. the idea is simple.

1,077 Views

info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on